FEAR False Excuses Appriopraiting Reality
Such an extravegant misuse of my creativity
Stories on stories confusing and conflicting me
As I know deep inside that this isnt how its meant to be
My life is meant to be joy and abun-dance
Starting every morning with inhales and a sun-dance
Inviting opportunity to join me in a slow-dance
Ending everyday with exhales and a fun-dance
I would watch movies, plays, read books & listen to rappers, preachers & motivational speakers talk about profound life changing experiences. These changes were always under very dramatic and somewhat devastating circumstances. Strangely enough this would somehow let me off the hook in relation to any radical changes that I secretly wanted to make. I would unconsciously use my lack of life trauma as the reason why I was living a life less than ordinary.
Let’s not get it twisted (as twisted as it sounds!). I am not a sadist. I didn’t desire trauma to live purpose however, hollywood did have me thinking that despair was the secret sauce to living the spectacular. I guess I also thought that if you went through a hardcore level of pain that you deserved something great at the end of it. I didn’t believe that I was deserving of great rewards as I hadn’t gone through enough pain. Insane right? The truth is that these strange bizarre beliefs around my own worthiness was born of not living my truth.
See when we’re not living on purpose; doing what God/Source/Universe/? sent us here to do. We have all sorts of excuses. Excuses why other people can live their purpose and we can’t. And we are so creative with the stories that we tell ourselves! Excuses can include absolutely any and everything from class, complexion, dress size, postcode, hair texture, exam grades, facial features, ancestry, access, talent, lack of talent and the list goes on. The truth is that- we make choices. Now I am pretty woke (woke-ish)! I am aware of the unfair structures of society. I am aware of advantages and disadvantage; and the unjust systems that govern much of modern society. At the same time I am aware of choices. And I am aware the choices that we make serve us. And you can bet if we have things in our life that we say we wanna change and yet they haven’t change – then we are making choices around them. Choices that are serving some aspect of ourself (conscious or not) that is into playing small and hiding in the shadows of what life has the potential to be.
If we wanna step out of the shadows and into the life that we can taste smell but never quite touch; then we must find out how staying in the shadows is serving us and choose something different. Now I have seen people get slammed for saying it’s a choice to be happy. But I agree. Not discounting the complexities of mental health by any stretch. There are levels to this thing.
What I am saying is that choice takes place breathe by breath and step by step. As they say “the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step”. So we must choose to take a step. And then another one and then another one. Now remember I was all about the dramatic. So learning the simplicity of change in this way shook my world view.
To me step by step seemed to ordinary. Normal. Boring even. The actress in me craved drama as a motivator and I was rapidly learning that the drama was not required. I recall when my father passed over to the non physical (R.I.P Pops). In the midst of grief I had a laughing fit. Laughter and tears. My mind wandered to thoughts of cool ass sexy singers who would say things in the intro of their songs like ‘I wrote this when a b or c died. And then they would proceed to share some masterpiece! However if I was to attempt wring anything in the midst of my grief it would be illegible abstract scribbles laced in snotty teardrops.
The last thing that I wanted to do in those moments was to change anything. All I wanted to do is turn back time. The only change that was taking place was me learning bit by bit to let go. Doesn’t sound exciting or heroic. It doesnt sound like the tale of being completely broken, picking myself self up, getting fit and running up 72 stone steps with eye of the tiger playing in the background. That is the story that I thought I wanted to share with you.
I was wrong. My sheroes story is simply about being me.
END OF PART ONE
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