Anyone who knows the powerhouse that is Patricia Scott knows that when she say’s “I’m fine!” It’s time to run for cover!
Why? Why do we do that? Say that we are fine when are far from it? When did we learn that saying how we feel is a no-no? And yet I’m “fine” its double edged. On the one hand we are fine. We are always fine. Made in the image and likeness of the almighty herself! We are always fine. We are always being looked after. Yet at the same time- we don’t always feel fine. Just like Patricia.
See Patricia was having one of ‘those days’.
One of those
‘I need to show my colleague that I grew up in Hackney days’
One of those
‘Say that one more time days’
One of those
‘I might smile and joke in the office but inside I am Nanny of the Maroons, Angela Davies, Sekmet Warrior Queen ready to go to war days’
So when she is threatened with a fine from after-school club for picking up the children late; it takes all that she has left to conjure up a faux smile whilst telling herself to walk away. She digs deep to refrain from asking the play worker ‘why do my children look like they have been playin in a pig-pen!’ Thus she inhales, then exhales, then bundles the children in the car and keeps it moving. Well sort of. The car is moving but what’s inside is stuck. Getting hotter and hotter but still stuck. It bothers her but she has no time to address it.
She has to:
do homework, pack lunch, PE kit, dinner-time,
permission slip, football kit, detention slip, bath-time,
doll carnival, story-time, bed-time, me time
go back to bed before I confiscate your i-pad again time.
then crash out on the sofa before trying to look in someway sexy before new (old) beau comes round time!
So when Keston comes by slightly high
Smelling good and looking fly
Somewhat later than their agreed time
She lets him in and when he asks “whats wrong Patty Pie?”
She looks him in the eye and all she can say is “I’m fine”
Now what she wants to say is
I’m not fine that I still have to trade my time for money
I’m not fine that I am raising the kids alone
I’m not fine that I have no time to myself
I’m not fine that I get no recognition yet I work harder that every single person and in my department
And I’m not fine that you call at 9pm and say “soon come” and arrive at quarter to Ras Clart twelve!
I’m NOT fine!!!
So why doesn’t she say that? Same reasons why many of us don’t. We were trained not to. As women we are taught that it is unladylike to loose our cool. As children we are taught that to feel disappointment is a ‘baby trait’ and that we should ‘grow up’ as soon as possible. However simply not expressing discontent doesn’t make it go away. In fact quite the contrary. Truth be told those feelings might have a better chance of leaving the building had they been allowed to express themselves healthily.
Like Patricia many of us have learnt unhelpful habits. Habits that lead to a life where everything that you want just feels that little bit out of reach… If only we could have a bit more. A bit more money, a bit more time, if only Keston could come a bit earlier. But are these the real problems? Patricia had convinced her self that they were. She had convinced herself that she’s ok to settle and that her ‘settled’ life just needed some tweaking.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
“Mummy! Mummy! Open the door! Why is the door locked” Screamed young Reecy
“Shit! Shit. Shit!” mumbles Patricia when she realises that she and Keston had overslept. You see Keston hasn’t formally been introduced to the children yet so he usually leaves by 4am. It’s now 7am…
END OF PART I
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