I DONT NORMALLY POST THE CHILDREN ONLINE BUT …
Now. I am not one for putting children on the internet. For my entire life I have had magically profound relationships with young people and yet this is something that is virtually absent from my online persona. I never felt comfortable putting children online. Then I gave birth to my son. The most preciously miraculous bundle of Black Boy Joy that I have ever seen and I questioned my own (made up) policy on children and social media. Why?
My son was born with Trisomy 21. Also known as Down Syndrome and T21. His early life was a very dualistic experience. His arrival on earth consisted of a long, painful and profoundly magical birth on the night of a solar eclipse. One of the greatest moments of my life. After many hours then a few pushes, out he popped into the birthing pool. He floated to the top and nested in my breast. I was perfectly wiped out.
In the following hours everything changed. “We think your baby might have Down Syndrome”. I had no idea what that meant. None. A so-called expert came and told me that ‘it’s like he wont grow up!’ After that I switched off. I thought that if the best they could do is tell me that I gave birth to Peter Pan then they can French Connection Off!!.
I looked at my child and spoke to God who activated the warrior Goddess in me that told me to simply be with my amazing sun. And that’s all I could see. I was soooo proud and yet I felt that I couldn’t express that because I kept being told that something was wrong. But it wasn’t. He was perfect.
In that moment I felt alone. I felt like nobody knew what I knew. I felt judged as people asked me rude questions like “why I didnt you take a test?” and “you left it too late”. Being a new mum I didnt always have the energy to defend myself. And my son’s existence. And so I concentrated on nurturing us. My family. Our unit and our relationship with God.
I knew that my family had been chosen by this amazing soul and it was is an honour to be his mum. I didnt know anything else. When he would walk, talk, count or win a nobel prize. I couldn’t answer those questions. I didnt have a quick witted response when someone looked at my me and my prince with pity. I simply wanted to punch them. So part of me hid.
They say never say never! I said that I would never put my children on social media! And now I was questioning whether I was hiding my son’s difference?
The reason why this felt like such a big thing is because after I gave birth social media gave me life. I went online and saw lots of beautiful children with T21. Those images and stories educated me and gave me great comfort. And yet I didnt see me and my son. I didnt see many melanated families. I knew that this made it important for us to share our story but I didnt do it. It felt too raw and vulnerable and I was scared of being judged!!!